Smell of Victory

Well, it happened.  I stood in front of the ex husband, skinnier than I have been since our 24 year old daughter was born.  I'm not sure what I expected.  I did have a moment of sweet victory when I saw his wife give me the once over.  I knew I looked good. And them - not so much.  I think back to the words he said that hurt me to the core - "you let yourself go". Well, Saturday I could've said those same 4 words to him.  But I didn't.  Because I am a human being.

When I started this journey, one of my driving forces (my health being #1) was I wanted to look good for my daughter's graduation.  For that in-you-face-sucker moment when he saw me.  He probably didn't notice but it turned out that it really didn't matter to me if did or didn't.  What matters is that I am healthier and I know that I look good.  I certainly don't need any validation from a "man" (and I use that word loosely) that left me with a 3 year old because I "let myself go".

People need to think before they speak.  Words can be very damaging.  I have carried those 4 words with me for 21 years.  Not sure I will ever forget them.  But I certainly learned what kind of person he is.

Enough about that.  

I was up a pound last week.  Which really bummed me out.  I looked back and didn't see where I might have gone wrong except I slacked a bit on exercising.  Let's face it, sometimes life gets in the way!  So, I will make sure I take a spin at least 4 days this week - no matter what.

10 to Go

That's right.  Only 10 more pounds to go!  I can do this!!!!  Even losing it 1 pound at a time, I can do this.  They said it would be slower to come off the closer you get to goal weight.  Well, they are right!  It's hard.  My body is "ok" with where I am.  It's happy.  It's comfortable.  It's telling me that it wants to stay right here.  My brain is like, "um...no...just a little more".  

Last week, we had a visiting leader.  I don't care for her style (we've had her before).  But the thing that upset me the most was that she did scale and non-scale victories at the end of the meeting.  And since she ran so late, people left and possibly some of those people wanted to celebrate and/or be celebrated!  Myself included.  I wanted to share my 1 pound loss.  It might not seem like a big deal to most but to a room full of weight watchers, it's huge.

So I celebrated myself.  :)

I go into most Saturdays thinking I am going to have this huge cheat day.  But most of the time, I end up being good.  I wanted a sloppy burger a few Saturdays ago and ended up with one but with no bun, no mayo.  This last Saturday we went out and I ended up having a grilled chicken breast.  Even my cheat days aren't really cheat days.  I can't cheat!  

I guess this is a good thing.  My brain has been re-trained to think differently.  And that is why this is working this time.  A switch literally went on in my brain - the weight loss switch. I am keeping it on!

Who's Your Support System?

Without support, I could not be as successful as I have been.  At our meeting last week, we discussed who supports us.  Of course everyone at the meeting supports each other.  I was sad to hear some people don't have any support from their families.  I am so lucky - I can't think of one single person in my life who hasn't been supportive or encouraging.

My hubby has been SO incredibly wonderful.  His support has been paramount.  He tells me ALL THE TIME how proud of me he is. He shares every victory and every stumble with me.  He never complains when I make "weird food" or when I introduce him to something different.  He's a meat-and-potatoes kind of guy.  I have shown him that meals can be meatless (which he's still not crazy about) and salads can been filling.  

My parents and my sister are one their journeys as well.  We are a great support system for each other.  All of us are at different stages.  Each week, we share how we are doing.  No pressure, no admonishments, only encouragement.

At work, I have my own personal cheerleaders.  This is so important since I am with these people more awake hours than I am with anyone else (hubby included).  My friends are sensitive to my food "restrictions" - one even made me a WW friendly birthday cake!!! I have my walking buddy and my Pilates buddy and my lunch gal pals.  Without my circle of friends, my day would be long and hard.

My girlfriends have been in my corner since the beginning.  They understand where I am coming from and where I am heading to.  They support me not just in their words but in their actions.  

I am so fortunate to have this support system around me day in and day out.  And it's because of each and every person that I have been successful.  I thank you.

I Can Feel My Heartbeat

Heart pounding, mind racing, head screaming, sweating - all of these I experienced only moments before the end of my work day yesterday.  Anger.  Anger does serious things to your body.  When you are in tune, you notice how certain emotions affect you.  I knew my blood pressure was probably sky high.  

I had every intention of coming home and working off my bad afternoon.  I even told my boss as I was leaving that I was going home and exercising to de-stress.  And yet, I found myself wandering around in my kitchen when I walked in the door, reverting to my old ways, looking for something to eat.  I had to stop myself and rewind.  Was I really hungry or was I wanting to eat my feelings?  I had just had an apple.  So...it probably wasn't hunger.  I walked out of the kitchen and got on the elliptical.  And for 30 minutes, I lost myself in the rhythm of the exercise and watched TV.  I regrouped and let go.  And just like that, I felt better. And when those 30 minutes were over, I went upstairs, away from the kitchen and had my favorite go-to 1 point snack (popcorn).

During my walk after dinner, I was thinking to myself that I need a way to deal with angry situations differently.  But how?  Meditation?  Prayer?  Breathing exercises?  There's got to be a better way than to yell, scream, and/or complain. I don't think I need anger management because I really don't get this angry often. But for those times that I do, I have got to handle it differently.  I guess this is my next challenge for myself.  

#10 is My Favorite

Ch-ch-ch-changes

From the late, great David Bowie come the words of one of my favorite songs, "Changes".  The opening of the song resonates to me and my "new life": "I still don't know what I was waiting for...and my time was running wild...a million dead end streets.  And every time I thought I'd got it made...it seemed the taste was not so sweet."  

I don't know what I was waiting for.  I kept thinking I would try to lose weight sometime.  I knew I wasn't healthy and that I didn't feel good.  It took the visit to the doctor to give me the kick the pants I needed.  It was like what Oprah says now,  "If not now, when?". 

So many great changes have evolved from my weight loss.  The list goes on and on but here are my favorites:

• I can reach and paint my toe nails
• I can curl up in a chair
• I can wrap a hotel towel around me
• I can feel my collar/hip bones
• My boobs don't choke me when I lay down
• I walk faster/climb stairs quicker
• I have been called tiny (what?!?)
• My feet don't hurt
• I don't have to shop in specialty stores because...
• I have gone from a size 18 to an 8 in pants!!

It's these changes that keep me going and keep me on track.  I am wondering if I feel this good now...how good will I feel when I get the last 13 pounds off?!?!?  Can I possibly feel any better??  Guess we will have to wait and see!